But that’s where half of your friends live. You miss them.

Suckers. Why would they live out there?

They choose to live out there for good reasons. They are smart people.

Or naive. I don’t think they realize how much better the city is.

Better?

It’s real. It’s diverse. It’s commutable. Sustainable. Efficient. Inspiring…

Hold on. Real?

I can’t stand all the fake stuff in the suburbs. Restaurants with fake brick walls, houses with fake front porches or faux flooring, fake Irish pubs, women with fake…

Ok stop. I’ve seen lots of faux in the city.

I think my favorite are the fake rednecks with giant belt buckles and big trucks that they drive home to their two car garages next to the golf course.

I’ll give you that one.

Oh, and the fake art – Lots of art that kind of looks like art.

Like the Ikea one in your living room?

Touche’

Do you have kids?

Working on it.

Excuse me?

I just wanted to say that.

You DON’T have kids, and that’s why you have no need for the ‘burbs.

Are you about to make the point about having a yard?  Because, we have parks.

No, I’m talking about school systems. Ever checked out the public schools in your area.

I want my kids to be in private schools.

Oh really? Then I guess you better head to the suburbs and open a fake bank account.

I won’t need to. I’ll save up all the money I don’t spend on gas.

Don’t act like you use public transportation.

No, but I do walk a lot of places. And, when I drive I don’t have to go far.

But, you sit in traffic.

Ha. That’s the most ironic thing about the suburbs. People move there to get away from hustle and bustle. Yet, the road systems are built so that everyone has to take the same main channel everywhere resulting in long drives and an immense amount of traffic.

Sure, but not in our parents neighborhood. It’s peaceful there.

Their neighborhood that is 1000 miles deep? Whenever I leave their house, I have to stop and pee three times before I get back to the entrance.

That was a stupid exaggeration.

I pack a cooler full of snacks and carry an extra gas can inside of that neighborhood.

Are you trying to do stand-up right now?

Their neighborhood is so deep…

Alright. Enough.

Seriously though…

Stop it.

What? Just because I say, “seriously though” doesn’t meant I’m about to tell a joke.

Yes it does mean that.

Let me make a point here.

Fine, go ahead.

Isn’t it weird that geographically our parents live 1.2 miles from the grocery, but it still takes them 15 minutes to get there. How is that convenient?

It’s convenient because they have neighbors and a yard, and…

Fat friends.

AND they LIKE IT there.

Dad always complains about his commute. He doesn’t like it there.

Wait. Did I hear you say they have fat friends?

Yes.

I can’t believe you said that.

Read this

Look, maybe people are more overweight in the suburbs.  Maybe traffic is no better there.   Maybe there’s more fake stuff, worse art, and fewer unique restaurants.

Keep going.

Maybe the city is “better” or whatever.

But…

I can’t wait to hear this.

But, there’s one contribution the suburbs have made to the city that you can’t argue with.

Try me.

One thing that’s not fake, fat, inefficient, or uninspiring.

What’s that?

You.

Me?

Yes.  Us.

I’m speechless.

Because I’m right for once?

Because you dont’ think I’m fat, but I think you are.  How is that possible?

Dude, are you serious?

Serious about what?

People are reading this right now.

Oh, sorry.  I guess I don’t have enough for everybody.

Put the beer away!

What’s your problem?

You know I don’t drink in public.

Yeah, I never quite understood that.  Why can’t you just be real?

It’s not about being real.  It’s about setting an example.

Why is me having a beer a bad example?  I’m 30 years old.

Has anything good ever come from someone being drunk?

Tattoos hurt less.

The answer is no.  Drunkenness is a dangerous and very unhealthy act.  Do you realize how many people die every year due to alcohol?

I get that, but I’m not talking about being drunk.  I’m talking about having a beer.

The only way to get drunk is to drink.

The only way to be a glutton is to eat.  Is eating wrong?

I’m not saying that drinking is wrong.  I’m saying I don’t want to encourage people who struggle alcohol abuse to continue drinking.

So, when fat people are around do you refrain from eating?  Or when greedy people are around do you refrain from spending money?  Or when….

I get your point.  But those are all different.

Really?  I feel like greed is one of the worst problems in our culture right now.

It’s just that Alcohol, in our culture, is a much more confusing act in public.

How so?

The line between using and abusing is very blurry, so it’s hard for people to translate your intentions when they see you drinking.

Why should I care so much about how people translate what I’m doing if I have good intentions?

Because you want people to know the love of Jesus.

I’m glad you brought up Jesus.  Do you remember his first miracle?

Yes.  He turned water into wine at a wedding.

If Jesus loved people, but he was against drinking alcohol then why would his FIRST miracle involve supplying more people with more alcohol.

We don’t know that wine was fermented.

Yes we do.

How?

People only want more wine at weddings because it has alcohol in it.

That’s certainly true in America in 2009.  But, not necessarily 2000 years ago.

Well, I’m not going to get into hermeneutics debate with you.  There are much smarter people who have further dissected this passage.

Like, this guy.

I love when you speak in hyperlink.

Anyway, I just can’t accept that God would encourage people to drink more alcohol at a party.

Why not?

Because that is like helping people sin.

It sounds like you expect Jesus to steer us away from something just because it has the potential of being misused.

Alcohol isn’t just misused.  It can become an addiction.

Again, so can sex, money, or food.  Does Jesus want us to avoid those?

Of course not.

So what is more influential?  Being a person who steers clear of everything that is potentially bad, or being a person who reclaims everything for it’s good purpose?

So you’re still saying that alcohol has a beneficial purpose, and I’m not sure I agree.

Then why do you drink in private?

Maybe I shouldn’t.

Which means I’m now being a negative influence on you by drinking this beer.

Yes, especially because it’s your fourth one.

Touche.

The Bible is very clear about lust being sinful.

What is lust?

It’s an uncontrolled sexual appetite towards another woman.

What other woman?

A woman other than your wife.

I’m not married.

Then all women count.

So I’m not allowed to think about sex?

Sex isn’t wrong to think about. Just don’t long after a woman who isn’t yours.

So I can think about boobs as long as they don’t belong to someone specific?

Hmmmm….

What if I think about a generic naked women to masturbate?

How would you do that?

I don’t know.  I guess I could use a Worldbook Encyclopedia as porn.

I’d say you’re looking for an excuse to masturbate.

So masturbation is wrong?

According to [list of well known teachers] it is unhealthy.

According to [list of well known teachers] it’s healthy.

Has it helped you in any way feel closer to God?

No.  At times I even feel guilty about it.

So then why do you feel guilty?

Because I’ve been taught that it’s wrong.

And you do it anyway?

Sometimes.  I mean, no.  Yes. I have before…  Who hasn’t?

I knew a guy once who never had.

Did he have arms?

Yes.

Congratulate him for me.

Now you’re being sarcastic.

And you appropriate attitude makes you seem automatically right. Not fair.

I didn’t say I was right about anything.

But you think masturbation is wrong

I don’t see how it’s helpful towards intimacy with God or your wife.

I’ve never met anyone who claims that masturbation has damaged their marriage.

Neither have I.  But I bet someone reading this has.

Sounds very theoretical to me.

It’s theoretical, because I’m not married nor have I surveyed a large number of couples.

So what’s worse: The debated and theoretical negative effects of masturbation or the immense guilt that comes from believing it’s wrong and doing it anyway?

I don’t know.  Is there a way to avoid both?

I could not masturbate.

And why is that a bad option?

Because suppressing something that I’m not supposed to suppress scares me.

You should care about widows and orphans.  Do you ever suppress that?

You are good.

No, it’s just easy to debate with someone sharing the same brain.

So if we have the same brain, then we also have the same….

Okay! you got me.  I do it too.

Want to be accountability partners?

I’m not talking about serious topics like people exploding or how fast I can run.  I want to share more of my self-conversations on issues (some controversial and some not).  Did you ever read my post on cussing?  That’s what I mean.  There’s still humor, but my other motive is to provoke you.

So tell me which of these topics you’d be most interested in.  And, go ahead and tell me if you plan on skipping my self-conversation days.  It’s fine.  I just want to know.  It’s really okay. Seriously.  If you don’t believe me, I’m just telling you.  It’s no big deal.  I won’t be offended.  Just frustrated.  That’s not the same.  So, here are the topics.

Drugs and alcohol
Sunday morning church
Nudity
Rockets
Short term mission trips
Predestination
Masturbation
Humor
Art
Dating
Worship
Saphires
etc…

Thoughts?