This will be the first time I’ve hosted an event with 0 credibility.  The room will be filled with marketing professionals and their clients – none who have ever read my blog, been to catalyst, or hired my company.  My only hope is that they’ve at some point in their life seen “Things You Can’t Do When You’re Not in a Pool”

I take that back.  I will know one person.  My good friend Blake Howard will be there.  His company, Matchstic is up for an award and I can’t wait to mispronounce his name.

Anyway, I’d like to list all of the things I’m imagining can go wrong tonight.

My opening jokes won’t land – think anyone has already heard the one about the mentally handicapped guy who shot a baby?

I’m going to cough on someone’s award – Just got over bronchitis, and I still cough once every 8 minutes.  Imagine if somehow I gave this to everyone in the room, and the marketing industry in Atlanta crashed.  Then as a result, all of the businesses counting on this industry crashed.  And then as a result Atlanta caught on fire.  Again.

I’m going to announce the wrong winner – and get punched.

I’m going to spill something on my tux right before the event – this is the most likely fail.

I’m going to fall asleep standing up during someone’s acceptance speech - I would collapse like a giraffe with no bones.

I’m going to get desperate for a laugh and try something stupid – like passing gas into my mic.

I’ll get replaced next year – by Bobcat Goldwaith

NOTE:  If you are an AMY Award Winner and you’re reading this tomorrow, I’m not really contagious.

2.  Tyler and I get the same amount of laughs, but I tell 3 times as many jokes.

3. Everyday Tyler has okay hair. And then there’s me.

4.  Tyler trained for a half-marathon behind his wife’s back so he could run a race with her as a surprise gift.   I gave my sister a catchers mit for christmas.

5.  Tyler’s head is a perfect sphere.  Mine is shaped like a head.

6.  Just realized that I’d rather have my head, so scratch that last one.

Tyler is better.

BUY HIS BOOK!

Before you people with short vocabularies go turning me, let me remind you what one is.

In the simplest terms a doppleganger is a look-a-like.  Do you have one?

John Locke does.

I do.

But you’ll have to check out my facebook profile to see it.

In the meantime, here’s one of my favorite Lonely island sketches about the subject.

Now, just ask Tyler how many times I check my hair before the camera rolls.  It’s not that I’m trying real hard to go for a certain style.  It’s more about the styles I’m trying to avoid.  Here are a few examples of times I wish I had taken one more look in the mirror.

This one is from a 3 year old NP sketch for Valentines Day.  Tyler, you are a jackass for
not warning me about my tomato sprout.

Here’s an even older clip.  Did I run a 10K right before we shot this?

Remember in 2004 when the Thomas Jefferson look was in? No?  (I threw the one of
Tyler in just so everyone could see how fat he used to be)

This morning was my frist run in these babies:

According to the research I’ve done and a few conversations with @tylerstanton, running shoes are bad for your joints and your back.   I really don’t have a problem with either, but for some reason trying something new is really motivating.  Anyone have any experience running in Vibram’s?

My questions are:

How bad are these going to smell 3 weeks from now?

When I’m tired of them, what gimmick will I turn to next for “motivation”?

When will motivational runner, Tyler Stanton, actually believe his own pitch and buy some of his own?

1.  If you’re Asian, but really american, is visiting your country of origin difficult? I know as a caucasian when I visit other cultures people tend to laugh when I operate outside of normal customs.  But if you look like you belong there, would you get in trouble?  For instance, I’m certian if we had a Chinese exchange student visiting our american home and he burped obnoxiously at our dinner table everyone would laugh assuming he didn’t realize that burping was rude.  But, if he was Chinese and caucasian I bet… nevermind.  I’d still laugh.

2.  How much time have I spent in my lifetime listening to couches that my cell phone is NOT inside.

3.  Who choose breakfast foods?

4.  Why are people more willing to make a complete fools of themselves than to let their suitcase go around the carousel one more time.  The other day I watched a guy show 50 other people how embarrassingly weak he is as he struggled to pull off his large bag while standing at a 60 degree angle.  Also, he knocked over 3 people.  Also, he didn’t get his bag.

5.  How long did it take penguins to get to the ark?

PRODUCT VARIETY

LEFT: A display built out of 100’s of LED LCD TV’s.
RIGHT: 12 magnifying glasses on a table

SERVICES

LEFT: This guy has no idea he’s being ripped off
RIGHT: If I ever see you with this in your office, I have the right to punch you in the head.

RIDES

LEFT: After visiting a friend at Central Christian Church, this is the cab that picked me up in the church parking lot. Embarrassing.
RIGHT: My ride to the airport.  Equally embarrassing.

GOING GREEN

LEFT: Just one of hundreds of displays showing off a companies commitment to the environment
RIGHT: Right next door, a company spits in the face of “green” with these product displays

CELEBRITY SIGHTINGS

LEFT: Dre. And Diddy.  You can see our interview online soon.
RIGHT: Penn (or Teller?).  It would suck to be in a crowd, famous, and that tall.

If this has never happened to you, it will.  So, here are some outs:

- say all of their names except for the guy you can’t remember, and act as though it was an accident.  Then, hopefully, someone will chime in with, “what about John?” At this point laugh innocently.

or

Don’t introduce anyone.  Simply talk to the guy who just walked up.  If you rush the conversation enough, your friends will still be standing there and you can explain by saying, “Sorry, I didn’t introduce you.  I forgot that guy’s name” (DON”T DO THIS IF YOU ALREADY USED THE GUYS NAME)

or

Have celebrity name in your back pocket such as “Barack Obama” that you can use as a joke.  I wouldn’t advise using my example if the guy your forgot is the only black guy standing there.

or

- Just pick a random name.  Usually you’ll get a reaction from from your friends like “Who’s that?” Now use the line, “Wha’d I say?”  You can trick everyone into figuring out for you which name you left out.

or

Give the guy you don’t remember a cool nickname like, “razzle dazzle” or “champion chip” (make sure you wink at him as if he should have known it was coming)

What other “outs” are their?

One day I knew I would see one for real.  I knew this because I was willing to do whatever it took.  I was obsessed.  Never before had I seen something that made me so tingly to stare at.  I discovered something that gave me a reason to live – a reason to press on through the trials of elementary life.   I discovered the Lamborghini Countach LP 5000.

The monster erasers, the Mad Libs, the Choose Your Own Adventure books – those were just decoy items.  The only thing that really mattered at the book fair was the red Lamborghini parked in front of lightning poster.  And the only other thing that mattered was getting it home unblemished. “Stop mom! I don’t want to unwrap it.  It’s going to stay on the cardboard and stay shrink-wrapped.  Forever”

Sorry girls, but you’ll just never understand the agony of being so close to something yet so far away.  You’ll never know the excitement of doors that opened like the wings of an angel.  You’ll never know the pleasure of shutting your eyes and imaging yourself stepping out of your very own shiny red spaceship-looking sports car.  So many surfaces.  So many vents and right angles.  At the time, there was nothing more beautiful.

Finally, in middle school it happened.  I saw one up close.  It only lasted a brief moment, because we were merely driving the speed limit as it zoomed by.  It wasn’t red, or even gold like my favorite micro machine.  It was yellow.  But, it was real. And it was too late.  I was 14 now, and I didn’t care.   My obsession was over – thanks to the torn out centerfold Michael B had stashed away in his Parcheesi box.

It’s not for me.

It’s for the people in Chicago who need a place to grow

mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even physically

into the person God designed them to be.

I believe in community.

I am who I am because of the people I’ve allowed into my life.

You are who you are because of the people you’ve allowed into yours.

Perhaps we aren’t fully who we could be because of who we haven’t allowed in

(that was deep)

Seriously though. Help me help them.

www.yearendstart.com

Together, let’s help Soul City Church create a place for people of Chicago to connect into loving transformational groups.

I know I don’t live in Chicago.

Soul City isn’t even my church.

But I believe in community.

I believe in what Jarrett and Jeanie Stevens are sacrificing all they have for.

Here’s a cool story:

Lynette, a twenty-something architect living in Bucktown:

“Today was my birthday. And it wasn’t like any birthday I’ve celebrated before. Sure, I received some cards and presents. Friends at work hung cheesy balloons on my door and there was cake in the conference room. And as they do every year, Mom and Dad called with their ear-splitting rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ over speakerphone.

But the real highlight was dinner with my community group. After a great meal made by Steve and Becky, we all plopped down in the patio furniture on Petra’s balcony. One by one, each of my Community Group told me how much they love me and shared how they’ve seen me grow over the past year. It was surprising to hear – and hard to believe that only a year ago, I asked them to be part of my transformational growth goal: to return to a healthy regimen of eating and exercise that honors God (after years of grappling with an eating disorder). They’ve been with me every step of the way, actually helping me grow, supporting me when I fell, asking good questions and pushing me into deeper dependence in God. And today, I was actually able to celebrate with them, not just another year – but a year of great growth.

And what does 2010 hold for me? I’m committed to starting a new community group in my apartment building with several of the women who’ve begun attending Soul City. I’m looking forward to leadership training – and I know my old group will be cheering me along, every step of the way.

I want more stories like this.

I believe in community.

And I love giving to stuff I believe in.

Want to join me?

Check out YearEndStart.com