Seriously fly on over!
We’ll have so much freaking fun.
But just be careful where you park.
Quit landing in area 51!

I’m really anxious to meet you,
but, I’m nervous about you’re probing.
I’ve heard what you guys do to people,
and I’m shy about disrobing.

Perhaps we could sit and chat first?
Just an hour or two prior.
I’ll tell you everything you want to know.
I’ll even work on your ship for hire.

I’ll shine your eyes if you want.
Reset the P-ram on your Dectolaser
I’ll even cook you dinner,
or do anything that requires a razor

I can’t wait to ride your tractor beam.
You think I’ll loose my glasses?
Have you ridden the scream machine at six flags?
If not I’ve got 2 free passes.

Seriously we should go sometime.
You’d love this one space ride.
It’s really just a movie playing,
but looks like a UFO inside

Never mind.  you get to do that already.
And, that’s why I want to come along.
Do you get many radio stations in space?
Because I want you to hear this one song.

It’s called “How You Remind Me” by Nickleback
Trust me you’ll think it’s sweet.
I figured as much as it sucks on earth,
to Martians it will be quite a treat.

We can blast meteors, mess with rednecks,
or warp all over space.
Gosh, I hope you’re ready
you should see the smile that’s on my face.

(a smile is when I move the corners of my mouth
as far away from each other as I can.)
I bet it’s the same thing as
when you guys glow your hand.

What I’m trying to say is this:
I hope you find me soon.
Planet earth is the blue and white one -
directly passed the moon.

In July I went away.
I stopped blogging if you remember.
I said I’d be back
by early September.

I guess I’m a liar.
I’ve only written 1 post.
Okay not really,
but 5 at most.

Why would I sacrifice
something I love so much?
Just when it became regular,
and I was developing a touch.

What could possibly divert my attention?
What could take all my time?
Well, For 3 months now
I’ve been working on this rhyme.

Okay that’s not true either.
It’s a bold faced lie.
I have no good excuse
for not even saying goodbye.

But since I’ve been away
here’s what’s gone down:
I got signed with an agent,
and I’ve been out of town.

To California, to Paris,
and Florida twice.
Now I’m looking for a new home
if I can find the right price.

10secondsofzany.com
is only a few days away,
and my new blog design
is launching today.

I know it doesn’t work,
so don’t click around too much.
By next week you can explore
all the videos and such.

Also since I’ve been away
I performed a stand-up routine.
I’ve made a few new sketches.
Pretty soon they can all be seen.

I’ve written a short,
shot a TV pilot – well half.
I’ve moved into a new office
and hired a new staff.

Tyler performed a live song
for the very second time
with a full band and me
playing lead electric mime.

So that’s almost everything
that I’m willing to share.
Now it’s time for your surprise
If you still care.

Wait.  Never mind about that.
It’s going back on the shelf
I was going to make a promise
But instead I’ll prove myself.

If there’s anythign I’ve learned
over the last quarter of a year -
my promises don’t really matter
by my actions speak quite clear.

And also that
I enjoy making films, performing, and writing
but blogging about random crap
is really much more satisfying.

See you tomorrow.

I light you, you suck my ear
I extinguish you, you cast out fear
oh ear candle of wonder
how I love to have you near

I knew when I fist saw you
at the nature’s remedy store
that you were like a q-tip
but could offer so much more

It was late in mid September
when we took our first date
We lied together perpendicular
separated by a paper plate.

The room flickering with your flame
I lie still on my bed
patently waiting
for you to cleanse my head

wow, you really did it
your stalk is full of grime
the substance once in my ear
has been removed for all time

thank you ear candle of wonder
for clearing out my wax
i know you are much shorter now
but I can finally hear my sax

curious where you came from
I look you up on the world wide web
I want to know how you really work
and what all the doctors have said

thanks to my DSL connection
the feelings in my gut were confirmed
you are a @#$%ing liar
and you deserve it when you’re burned

Just as I suspected,
you’re a hoax out for cash
that crap on on your inside
was nothing more than ash

Don’t even try to explain yourself now
I totally understand.
I even did an experiment
and used you on my hand

ok wow, you did it again
your stalk is full of grime
I must have waxy palms
I don’t think so. not this time.

oh ear candle of wonder
I hate your huffing and puffing
I am so humiliated
that I did this for nothing