“Anything you’d like me to write about?” I asked Tripp a couple weeks ago when we were talking about a possible guest post.
“I want you to blog about how movie trailers ruin movies and how we should avoid them altogether,” he said while scratching himself. (I didn’t see him scratching himself since it was an email exchange, but I could tell by the tone of his typing that he was working off a good itch downstairs.)
And with that began a fortnight of mental struggling for yours truly.
You see, I agree with Tripp that movie trailers can ruin movies. And like Tripp, I hate it. I mean, how many times have you heard someone complain about a flick by saying, “all the best parts were in the commercial.” Probably too many to count.
But at the same time, I love almost everything about movie trailers. I love how they start, I love how the music always transitions 2 or 3 times during the preview, and i love the dude’s voice who narrates them. They’re my favorite part of going to the movies. I’m late to EVERYTHING in my life, but the one place where I always show up early is to the movie theater. I hate missing the previews.
So what do we do?
You kind of need to know what a movie’s about before you’ll shell out $20 to see it, but that doesn’t mean you want a plot outline. Not to mention the fact that once you’ve seen the trailer 2 or 3 times you can deliver the movie’s best punch lines better than the actors themselves.
I was about to give up and tell Tripp it was an unsolvable problem until 3 days ago when I was cutting the grass. That’s when I solved it. (I get all my best ideas while I’m either pooping or cutting the grass. If i could somehow install a toilet seat on a riding lawn mower, I’m pretty sure I could rule the world from my landscaping crapper throne.)
So here’s my plan: effective immediately we pass legislation that bans movie studios from using footage from the actual movie in their trailers.
Think about it. There’s so many scenes left on the cutting room floor. Hours worth of video destined to die an unseen death or live forever in the bonus section of a DVD menu. Why not put that to good use? Craft a commercial with those shots. Or better yet, if you’ve got 6 really great gags on film, use 4 of them in the movie and save 2 for the trailer.
Will it make it harder to craft a trailer? Yes, and that’s okay. After all, all we want it a a sense of the movie, we don’t want you to show us the highlights before we’ve seen the game.
Or you know what, take it even further. Instead of a trailer, just show us the blooper real. Who doesn’t love a blooper real? Instead of showing us the 5 good scenes from Date Night starring Tina Fey and Steve Carrell, show us 60 seconds of bloopers and outtakes. You’re telling me this wouldn’t make you laugh AND make you want to watch the movie. Of course it would.
So that’s my idea. I’m asking everyone to go to BryanAllain.com to sign my petition* and to write their congressman to tell them to pass the Bryan Allain Movie Trailer Act. (I even hear Brad Wiggins from the Department of Homeland Spending is a supporter.)
Listen up Washington! We want to live in a world where movie trailers exist, but don’t ruin our movies!
And speaking of movies, I have a great script idea for one myself that I’m working on, just can’t seem to nail down the big twist in the final scene.
Time to go take a dump and work it out.
I swear, I’m like M. Night Shyamalan when I’m pinching one off.
*There’s no petition at BryanAllain.com, I made that up. But you will find Bryan’s daily musings about the humorous side of life, faith, pop culture, and living among the Amish. You can also find him on the Twitter Machine at twitter.com/bryanallain.
04/14/2010
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