Getting Gas

I never notice that I’m out of gas until I’m late somewhere, and pumping it just isn’t the quick and easy process that I always hope for.

I can zap the P-RAM on my Mac, but I still can’t find the start button on a gas pump without first pressing a few stickers.

Then, somehow I always get the pump handle with the broken lock latch thing.  So, I have to squeeze.  The entire time.   I watch the car next to me fill with gas while it’s driver is inside picking out his favorite slushy.  I’m thinking, “I know I”m supposed to use 89, but that green handle looks like it works. What is deisel?”

Now, I’m no dummy.  I know that when the attendant inside sees me manually squeezing my pump handle he immediately rotates the gas flow dial to extra slow.  Does he realize how bad I have to pee?

15 minutes later, I’m having to squeeze two things, but the tank is full at $59.98  I give the pump handle one more quick burst so that I can pay an even 60.01.

My hand is now aching and convulsing. which complicates things inside the bathroom.  I now understand where all the wall splatter comes from.  It’s from all the other guys who used pump 5 and then this urinal.

I rarely get interesting graffiti to read either.  I usually end up standing directly in front of the wall “item” dispenser.    You know the one.   There are 6 different products that you can buy for 75 cents.

The first three are exactly what you are thinking – each one a different color of course.  I find this confusing.  Why should the color matter?  I’m pretty sure when these devices are being used properly they are somewhere you can’t see them.

The other three slots squirt out cologne when you pay.  Cologne that smells just like Polo Sport, Abercrombie Woods, or Old Spice.  Who would know?  Nothing that comes out of that machine can smell any better than the best cologne in the world mixed with whatever is lingering inside of that bathroom.

These machines are obviously for two kinds of people:  Guys who are suddenly inspired to impress a woman, and guys who are already confident about it.   I’m neither, because I have a new problem to solve.

How do I wash my hands and get out of the bathroom without touching something on the door that a non-handwasher touched?

And why do I wash my hands anyway?  Aren’t hands proven to be the most bacteria infested part of the body?  I can only imagine the cleanest part of my body is whatever part spends most of its time covered up.  If so, then it’s not my hands that are getting dirtier when I use the bathroom.  Seems like I should be washing something else.  Or maybe that is what that one lower sink has been for all this time.