Here's what I propose:

1) The Gays will return your rainbow icon, in exchange for:

- Holidays, which the Christians will return to the Pagans, who created them, and:

- Hymns, the melodies of which the Christians will return to the Hedonists, who developed them to celebrate how blasted they were

2) In exchange for a strict "hands off" policy on Jefferson and Franklin, the Freethinkers will give the Religious Right an option on Adams during election years (as well as two first-round draft picks, to be featured on the cover of Sports Spectrum)

3) The Christians will relinquish their right to Bob Dylan and the lead singer of Sunny Day Real Estate, if only the Secularists will take back R. Kelly and Jane Fonda (Pleeeeeeeease?)

4) The Athiests, Agnostics, and Existentialists will cease their riffing on the ICHTHUS fish bumper ornament if the Christians will apologize for Five Iron Frenzy, GodTube, BibleMan, TestaMints, T-shirts with bad puns, and pretty much everything in Christian bookstores.

5) The Academics will stop trying to push Christians out of their rightful place in the history of the civil rights movement, in exchange for the Christians giving a damn about the civil rights of their gay and lesbian brothers and sisters in the future.

See? Everybody's happy!

Thank you for that … crazily, the highlight of my day.