I never notice that I’m out of gas until I’m late somewhere, and pumping it just isn’t the quick and easy process that I always hope for.
I can zap the P-RAM on my Mac, but I still can’t find the start button on a gas pump without first pressing a few stickers.
Then, somehow I always get the pump handle with the broken lock latch thing. So, I have to squeeze. The entire time. I watch the car next to me fill with gas while it’s driver is inside picking out his favorite slushy. I’m thinking, “I know I”m supposed to use 89, but that green handle looks like it works. What is deisel?”
Now, I’m no dummy. I know that when the attendant inside sees me manually squeezing my pump handle he immediately rotates the gas flow dial to extra slow. Does he realize how bad I have to pee?
15 minutes later, I’m having to squeeze two things, but the tank is full at $59.98 I give the pump handle one more quick burst so that I can pay an even 60.01.
My hand is now aching and convulsing. which complicates things inside the bathroom. I now understand where all the wall splatter comes from. It’s from all the other guys who used pump 5 and then this urinal.
I rarely get interesting graffiti to read either. I usually end up standing directly in front of the wall “item” dispenser. You know the one. There are 6 different products that you can buy for 75 cents.
The first three are exactly what you are thinking – each one a different color of course. I find this confusing. Why should the color matter? I’m pretty sure when these devices are being used properly they are somewhere you can’t see them.
The other three slots squirt out cologne when you pay. Cologne that smells just like Polo Sport, Abercrombie Woods, or Old Spice. Who would know? Nothing that comes out of that machine can smell any better than the best cologne in the world mixed with whatever is lingering inside of that bathroom.
These machines are obviously for two kinds of people: Guys who are suddenly inspired to impress a woman, and guys who are already confident about it. I’m neither, because I have a new problem to solve.
How do I wash my hands and get out of the bathroom without touching something on the door that a non-handwasher touched?
And why do I wash my hands anyway? Aren’t hands proven to be the most bacteria infested part of the body? I can only imagine the cleanest part of my body is whatever part spends most of its time covered up. If so, then it’s not my hands that are getting dirtier when I use the bathroom. Seems like I should be washing something else. Or maybe that is what that one lower sink has been for all this time.
I had to stop reading because my eyes teared up.
Hilarious man!
Hilarious! Can't stop laughing. Though as many of your readers know, Tripp's urinal choice is usually the one already occupied. He likes to saddle up next to someone and share. Leads to incurable stage fright.
So, funny thing. I read your blog because I know Jared Taft and he knows Tyler and Tyler knows you.
I'm currently on vacation and whilst reading your post my wife's uncle approached me and asked what I was doing. "Reading"…"What are you reading?"…"A blog"…"Oh, neat! Who's blog?"
At this point, I'm shocked the conversation has gone this far. I could explain in detail, but instead I say, "A guy I know in Atlanta." to stop the bleeding.
So…just thought I'd let you know that we are officially acquaintances.
Hilarious.
i wish JPee would have posted first. now he is #2 and that just messes up everything.
This is great. From the title I was expecting a post about running out of gas two times in one month. Nice switch. I think the machines are also for a third type of person – someone on a scavenger hunt, but maybe that was just my high school friends.
The truth makes me laugh harder than anything else.
Funniest post I've read in a while. Good job.
That last paragraph… amazing. You sir, are a funny man.
Tripp, you're hand washing question reminded me of a hilarious convo between my brother's friend and a HoF baseball player. just blogged about it: http://tr.im/tlFB
I wash my hands before going to the bathroom. Seems the most logical route. Thanks for the hilarious post.
YES! I agree. My constantly-covered areas are at least 90% cleaner than my hands at all times. And after touching the greasy, dirty door in the bathroom, I have probably contaminated my…wahoo.
You are hilarious. I am forever grateful for 'normal' bathroom use! Now go wash yourself in the surf.