If there’s anything I don’t miss, it’s the suburbs.
But that’s where half of your friends live. You miss them.
Suckers. Why would they live out there?
They choose to live out there for good reasons. They are smart people.
Or naive. I don’t think they realize how much better the city is.
Better?
It’s real. It’s diverse. It’s commutable. Sustainable. Efficient. Inspiring…
Hold on. Real?
I can’t stand all the fake stuff in the suburbs. Restaurants with fake brick walls, houses with fake front porches or faux flooring, fake Irish pubs, women with fake…
Ok stop. I’ve seen lots of faux in the city.
I think my favorite are the fake rednecks with giant belt buckles and big trucks that they drive home to their two car garages next to the golf course.
I’ll give you that one.
Oh, and the fake art – Lots of art that kind of looks like art.
Like the Ikea one in your living room?
Touche’
Do you have kids?
Working on it.
Excuse me?
I just wanted to say that.
You DON’T have kids, and that’s why you have no need for the ‘burbs.
Are you about to make the point about having a yard? Because, we have parks.
No, I’m talking about school systems. Ever checked out the public schools in your area.
I want my kids to be in private schools.
Oh really? Then I guess you better head to the suburbs and open a fake bank account.
I won’t need to. I’ll save up all the money I don’t spend on gas.
Don’t act like you use public transportation.
No, but I do walk a lot of places. And, when I drive I don’t have to go far.
But, you sit in traffic.
Ha. That’s the most ironic thing about the suburbs. People move there to get away from hustle and bustle. Yet, the road systems are built so that everyone has to take the same main channel everywhere resulting in long drives and an immense amount of traffic.
Sure, but not in our parents neighborhood. It’s peaceful there.
Their neighborhood that is 1000 miles deep? Whenever I leave their house, I have to stop and pee three times before I get back to the entrance.
That was a stupid exaggeration.
I pack a cooler full of snacks and carry an extra gas can inside of that neighborhood.
Are you trying to do stand-up right now?
Their neighborhood is so deep…
Alright. Enough.
Seriously though…
Stop it.
What? Just because I say, “seriously though” doesn’t meant I’m about to tell a joke.
Yes it does mean that.
Let me make a point here.
Fine, go ahead.
Isn’t it weird that geographically our parents live 1.2 miles from the grocery, but it still takes them 15 minutes to get there. How is that convenient?
It’s convenient because they have neighbors and a yard, and…
Fat friends.
AND they LIKE IT there.
Dad always complains about his commute. He doesn’t like it there.
Wait. Did I hear you say they have fat friends?
Yes.
I can’t believe you said that.
Read this
Look, maybe people are more overweight in the suburbs. Maybe traffic is no better there. Maybe there’s more fake stuff, worse art, and fewer unique restaurants.
Keep going.
Maybe the city is “better” or whatever.
But…
I can’t wait to hear this.
But, there’s one contribution the suburbs have made to the city that you can’t argue with.
Try me.
One thing that’s not fake, fat, inefficient, or uninspiring.
What’s that?
You.
Me?
Yes. Us.
I’m speechless.
Because I’m right for once?
Because you dont’ think I’m fat, but I think you are. How is that possible?
